Marriage and family are the subject of much discussion today, and not just among Christians. Marriage rates are descentthe meaning of marriage is contested, and decreased fertility arouses concern about a lonely and childless future, even in the Church. Meanwhile, many Christian singles hope that their local church can somehow help them get married-or that our increasing numbers will finally convince the congregations of stop doing we feel like second-rate Christians.
The final contribution to this conversation is Getting Married: Why Americans Must Defy Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization, a new book by Brad Wilcox, a Christian professor of sociology and director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. Wilcox is experienced, widely published and respected in his field. He achieved an admirable feat: leading a secular institution without compromising his Christian values or reducing his work to a “marginal” project valued only within the Church.
To marry is a popular distillation of this scholarly work. Wilcox argues that although most cultural actors in our society – from journalists to celebrities, artists to influencers – promote a cynical idea of marriage, data shows that this perspective is flawed. And we need to understand the benefits of marriage, he says, because the alternatives to a society where most people marry are worrying: fewer children (which means a less vibrant economy and a decline in life expectancy). family and community), or more marriages. births outside of marriage (which means more child poverty and more crime).
The book follows a consistent pattern: each chapter introduces a popular negative idea about marriage, then presents a mountain of traditional research (much of it conducted by Wilcox himself) and anecdotes refuting that claim. For example, popular wisdom says that single people are happier. But the data shows that this is not true; in fact, no factor determines happiness and life satisfaction better than marriage. Wilcox also debunks common claims that single people are wealthier, that divorce is often inevitable, that parenthood makes you unhappy, and that economic pressures are the main reason marriage and fertility rates are so low.
The strength of To marry That’s how deeply Wilcox is aware of modern conversations around marriage. He readily references cultural influences ranging from the anti-marriage rhetoric of red-pill male influencers like Andrew Tate to self-centered visions of love marketed toward women in works like Eat Pray Love. And just as importantly, Wilcox’s responses are readable and research-based, providing a concise compilation of the data from this broad debate.
Although the book is primarily written for a secular audience, Christians will find its information deeply relevant to our own conversations about marriage. You may be pleased (and in some cases surprised) to learn how well this data from mainstream researchers supports basic Christian teaching on marriage. For example, religious couples who regularly attend services are among the least likely to divorce and most likely to report being happy in their marriage. The same goes for couples who put guardrails around their marriage to avoid opportunities for temptation.
For Christian singles in particular, To marry can produce more mixed feelings. Many singles already feel like our fellow Christians look down on our situation, don’t want to take seriously how difficult it is to find a spouse, or assume that because we’re not yet married we shouldn’t value marriage and family. Wilcox’s arguments that married people are generally happier than single people – and that marriage breakdown is often due to poor personal choices – may seem like even more unfair assumptions, even though these arguments are well supported by the data.
But as a single Christian myself, I found most of Wilcox’s challenges refreshing rather than hurtful. If I accept singleness, is it because of a calling from God on my life (and a rejection of the idolatry of marriage and family)? Or is it because I have become an idol of careerism and individualism? For single Christians who do not wish to marry, these are difficult questions, but worth asking.
For singles who wish to get married, To marry is deeply hopeful. I struggle a lot with my singleness, both inside and outside of the church. The problem I face the most is that Christians either don’t have good advice on how to find a spouse, or they tell me there is something wrong with me and I’m still looking to get married. I should just “focus on Jesus” and “let it happen or not,” they say.
To marry does not agree. With data supporting his claims, Wilcox’s work indicates that my desire for a spouse is not something wrong with me but something deeply right. He says I may be doing things that are preventing me from having a spouse, but I can also stop doing those things and take steps to make it very likely that I will have a happy, lasting marriage.
That said, even if Wilcox recognizes that our culture has made the search for a spouse more difficult: careerism, loosening of community ties, an increasingly inhospitable for boys—To marry offers little guidance on how individuals can actually to marry. Most of his proposals concern public policies and structural societal changes. Single readers convinced by the book’s title and thesis may wonder what to do next. (Wilcox gave more concrete advice in an interview on my The overthinkers podcast.)
To marry It would also have been a stronger book if it had anticipated and responded to more left-wing objections to his thesis, given Wilcox’s broad intended audience. For example, he mentions that some people say they won’t have children because of concerns about climate change, but he doesn’t address anything. the reasons that the fear is ill-founded. (Wilcox’s focus is not just marriage but marriage with children.) Nor does he address the claim that it is too early to say whether nontraditional family arrangements, such as Same-sex relationships or polyamory, may produce similar quality of life benefits. at traditional marriage.
In all, To marry is an essential contribution to the modern conversation around marriage – a useful resource for ensuring that our opinions about marriage are based on fact rather than cultural folklore and memes. Perhaps Wilcox’s next task should be an equally data-driven book about how to marry in our time.
Joseph Holmes is a Christian culture critic and podcast host living and working in New York. He has written in media such as Forbes, The New York Times, Religion unplugged, RelevantAnd An unexpected diary. He co-hosts a weekly podcast called The overthinkers.
