No impulse runs more counter to the biblical exhortation to love our neighbor as we love ourselves than the twin cultural idols of individualism and instant gratification. Christian parents, if you’re looking for a simple way to be countercultural, here it is: train your children in shared identity and self-sacrifice.
Individualism says that I can and should do what is best for me, regardless of what is best for others. Instant gratification assures me that waiting is not a discipline to adopt but rather an enemy eliminate.
At every moment I am told that I can and should have what I want when I want it. I am offered goods and services tailored not only to my own preferences, but also to my values and beliefs.
Unsurprisingly, our twin idols are responsible for a sharp rise in narcissism, a trend that psychologist Jean Twenge has described. double “the epidemic of narcissism”.
Earlier this year, my husband and I spent two weeks with an apparent narcissist named Charlotte. From the moment we entered her space, it was all about her. She demanded our full attention day and night. Forget rational arguments or the needs of others; it was Charlotte’s show 24/7.
She only thought of herself and loudly demanded that her needs be met. Our schedules bowed to her every whim. She did not utter a single word of gratitude for the entire 14 days.
And that didn’t bother us at all. Because her 7 pounds, 15 ounces were doing exactly what she should. The age-appropriate goal of our new grandchild is to declare: Me right now! whenever she is tired, hungry or needs a clean diaper. And our goal, appropriate for the age of its adult caregivers, is to embody the virtues of “others, not yet.”
An infant demands what he wants when he wants it, and rightly so. Babies defend themselves out of survival instinct. They only understand the immediate need. But what is appropriate for an infant is appalling for an adult. Mature adulthood puts the needs of others before my own and delays personal gratification because I know it will come eventually.
An adult who demands what he wants when he wants it is a costly presence in any community, prioritizing his own needs above those of others and the group. He did not learn to “put away childish things,” as the Bible says (1 Cor. 13:11, KJV); he managed to physically transition from a baby to an adult without shedding the childish mantra of “me, now.”
It is our duty as Christian parents to move our children from the immaturity of individualism and immediate gratification to the maturity of sacrificial service and delayed gratification.
This is what it means to move from childhood to adulthood. After all, what is maturity if not the ability to think of others before ourselves and delay personal gratification in favor of them? Maturity is a movement of Me has We and of right away has Not yet.
In its obsession with “me, now,” our culture not only reveres youth; it venerates childishness, legitimizing it into adulthood. And if we’re not vigilant, the twin idols of individualism and instant gratification could become entrenched in our homes.
Thus, Christian parents strive to mold and train their children according to the virtue of awareness of the needs of others and our duty to meet those needs. And they strive to model and train children in the virtues of waiting. The first and most important place where children learn these lessons is the home.
As parents, our first challenge is meeting the needs of screaming babies, Me at the moment. But our greatest task, over the years, is to train our children to mature and overcome their rights, to resist the narcissistic norms of our time.
It doesn’t come naturally. We must manage our family calendars and budgets to prioritize shared identity over individualized activities. We need to take advantage of opportunities for delayed gratification as our children grow.
And we must renew our own commitment to shared identity and self-denial. More than our verbal instructions, our very lives will teach our children what it means to be an adult who follows Christ.
Do you want to be countercultural? Train your children to be adults. Build a family identity around the Great Commandment as a powerful antidote to the narcissistic spirit of the age.
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