Our world today is defined by two extremes: intense hostility on one side and stifling politeness on the other.
A few years ago, I worked for the federal government in Washington, DC, during a very divisive season, much like the election year we are about to enter. That’s when I learned there is a difference between civility and politeness and why it’s more important than ever to recognize this distinction.
Politeness is a technical: It reflects decorum, morals, manners and etiquette. It is neither good nor bad in itself, but it can be used for good or evil depending on a person’s motivation.
At best, politeness can help alleviate the awkwardness, discomfort, and annoyance inherent in our social lives, but it will only apply superficial solutions and will never be enough to help us navigate or resolve our most serious disagreements. deep and most important.
At its worst, politeness can worsen our disparities by fostering feelings of selfishness, pride, and superiority over others. Politeness can be and has been used as a weapon to penalize difference, silence dissent, and oppress vulnerable voices and populations.
On the other hand, civility is a holistic approach arrangement– which our society desperately needs today.
Civility is based on the fundamental truth that all human beings are created in the image of God and are therefore worthy of fundamental respect. It considers everyone to be intrinsically valuable and endowed with essential dignity, invoking a general respect for our neighbors and citizens. Civility is rooted in the mutual deference we owe each other as fellow human beings and allows us to view even our enemies as moral equals.
Yet civility can be at odds with politeness, because it sometimes demands that we act in ways that many might consider rude.
Jesus himself spoke of the perils of politeness and the dangers of being excessively focused on a refined outward appearance. He constantly denounced and criticized the religious hypocrites of his day, those who were content to conform to ceremonial customs and religious rituals. He knew that their attention to detail was just a cover for their selfishness.
Christ demonstrated that the act of speaking the truth is not always polite, but it is right and respectful when speaking the truth in love. He did not hesitate to denounce the duplicity of the Pharisees, who seemed to act well, even if their hearts were angry and bitter:
Woe to you, lawyers and Pharisees, hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices: mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the most important matters of the law: justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the second solution, without neglecting the first. (Matt. 23:23)
Jesus understood the wickedness of the human heart. He recognized that following rules is an easy way for people to feel confident and superior to others. He knew that rules can easily be abused and that blind application of the law can be counterproductive to true morality. This is why Jesus often approached ethical scenarios contextually – in the spirit rather than the letter of the law.
For example, when Jesus healed a man’s withered hand on the Sabbath – a day when religious rule required rest – the Pharisees used the rules against him and accused him of breaking the law of God. ‘Old Testament. But he answered, “I ask you, what is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it? » (Luke 6:9).
And when the Pharisees accused Jesus of breaking the Mosaic law by not washing before eating, Jesus responded with a quote from Isaiah: “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They adore me in vain; their teachings are only human rules” (Matthew 15:8-9). He accused them of placing human traditions above divine commandments.
Just like the Pharisees, we will always find creative ways to follow the rules while remaining as selfish as ever. Human rules are easy to follow: they allow us to avoid the hard work of changing our hearts, which is what God ultimately requires of us.
Christ taught that having the right arrangement– a heart posture of authentic compassion and selfless love – counts more than respect for the rules of good behavior (1 Cor. 13). Following the rules alone cannot make a person good, and it is more important to help others than to blindly follow the rules (Matt. 9:9-13).
Jesus showed us why be good is more important than apparent GOOD. Likewise, Paul warned Timothy to avoid people who have “an appearance of godliness” but deny its power (2 Tim. 3:5). The state of our hearts matters much more than our compliance with the societal norms, cultural norms, or even religious rules of our time.
Politeness is meaningless if it is not accompanied by character. After all, Jesus’ own disciple, Judas Iscariot, betrayed him according to the polite custom of his day: by giving him a kiss on the cheek.
As Christians, we are called not only to say and do the right things, but to do them for the right reasons. It can be tempting to be “nice” and remain silent in the face of injustice, but we are called to higher standards. It’s easy to avoid the discomfort of confronting someone who has hurt us or others. But ultimately, bypassing healthy conflict out of politeness is disrespectful to everyone involved.
Human social life is far too nuanced to be sufficiently reduced to rules of politeness. Only true civility can help us discern when it is appropriate—just, loving, and respectful—to break the rules of decorum by speaking out or taking action against the wrongs we witness.
We cannot control how others act, but we can align our motivations with the example set by Christ.
Alexandra Hudson is the founder of Civic Renaissance and author of The Soul of Civility: Timeless Principles for Healing Society and Ourselves.
