A little over 2,000 years ago, one of the the most famous embryos is finished and is released. Immediately he was showered with various herbs and percussive music. It would turn out that, at least for a significant portion of the population, this little child was the direct incarnation of Almighty God. Honestly, it was wild.
He spent some time woodworking, but then changed careers to devote himself to miracles and prayer. From that point on, his teachings formed the basis of a religion that would sweep the world, known as Christianity. The problem is, who knows what was going on at the time? It’s a different world, and I think some of them need to be re-evaluated to make them harsher and generally feel less like they’re coming from a little bitch.
Forgiveness
One thing J-bone felt was important to emphasize was the power of forgiveness. He almost didn’t want to keep quiet. There’s a lot of talk about turning the other cheek and so on. Which is certain, I understand, but following this teaching closely, doesn’t Jesus understand that I will look like a gigantic cat? For example, Matthew 18:21-22 tells us“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked him, “Lord, how often shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but 77 times. »
You want me, a modern man, in the club to allow someone to slap my girlfriend’s ass in the club. 77 times? Maybe it’s pious to stand there with a forgiving face while someone attacks my wife’s ass like a broken air conditioner, but I think if he came back today it would be fitting that he s This is objectionable beta behavior. I might be in heaven later, but my girlfriend will be in the men’s room later, making fun of our years together, so where’s the victory here?
Generosity
The sandaled avatar of the divine saw fit to emphasize the power of generosity. Look, I understand the power of giving, and it feels good to do it – until you realize you’re not getting that shit back until maybe life after death. Not to mention, and no shade to Jesus here, it’s not like he has a lot of shit that anyone would want. The guy’s net worth was basically a piece of bread here and there.
So it’s easy for him to follow teachings like John 3:17who says : “If someone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity for them, how can God’s love be in that person? The guy was handing out half a fish that he probably made up anyway. I bet if Jesus had owned a truckload of sick people, he wouldn’t have been so excited to fill that thing up with lepers and send it somewhere else. Not to mention the fact that it all reeks of communism. Jesus: enemy of meritocracy? I don’t say that, but I write it, of course.
Peace
Look, I’m not a big fan of the word “peace.” I think it’s a shield for people who don’t understand how the world really works: through a system of constant and bloody retribution. I would like to see someone practice “peace” in the UFC octagon. This seems like a good way to turn your nose into something that resembles a children’s playground slide. And if someone says shit You, Jesus? You want me to smile at them like a fucking moon-faced child?
So forgive me (as you always talk about) if I don’t fully vibrate with Romans 14:19 telling me to “make every effort to do that which leads to peace and mutual edification.” This seems like a good way to take advantage of it. You may be an expert in piety, but there’s also the military advantage of a surprise attack. Getting your butt kicked in a corner like a new transfer student doesn’t sound like enlightenment to me. Seize someone’s car after they cut you off? NOW that it’s divine!
Respect
Listen, respect is earned. I have four T-shirts that say this on my shoulder blades in an Olde English font, so that should tell you how fiercely I believe in it. I’m not just going to give a mutual agreement to every jamoke I find myself with in a queue at a coffee shop. If you respect everyone, then it loses all meaning! It should be something that is only handed out grudgingly, with a little nod, between two passionate men.
So I just can’t respect the teachings as Corinthians 10:33who says: “Ealthough I try to please everyone in every way. For I seek not my own good, but the good of many, that they may be saved. It’s right there, in clear, questionably translated English: You’re telling me to be the lowest of the low, a damn people pleaser! Everyone has to be a little angry with me, that’s how I tell myself I’m interesting! I bet Jesus’ Netflix comedy special would be full of pandering, applause-inducing nonsense. I’ll stick to Ricky Gervais, thank you very much.
Adore a baby
I don’t care if you are the son of God, I don’t kneel to a weak child without object permanence. Remind me when your fontanel fills, buddy.
Eli Yudin is a comedian from Brooklyn. You can follow it Twitter And Instagram on @eliyudin and listen to his podcast, What a time to liveon the five strangest news stories of the week, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.
